Feeling Feelings
How often do we feel painful emotions bubble up, and then desperately find a way to gloss over them as fast as we can?
We think of fear, regret, sadness, grief, and frustration as negative emotions, and while they're certainly not the most fun things to feel, they each serve a purpose and invite us to dive deeper into where they're stemming from.
"SMILE!" - how many times have you heard that from friends and family when you look anything other than happy (especially when you're showing emotions that they're not sure how to navigate)? It makes many people uncomfortable when they see others experiencing feelings that require presence and compassion.
They want to slap a band aid on it - and fast.
Side note: I am in no way dissing smiling, smiling is amazing and actually has a list of incredible health benefits, I'm more using this to illustrate a point about how uncomfortable many of us are with witnessing real emotions. As Buddy the Elf said, "Smiling's my favorite."
As a society we get uncomfortable with many feelings on the negativity spectrum - always putting on a happy face, or burying what we're truly feeling so deep that even we're unsure about how to dig it up. Not that we'd ever want to. Let's just get on to the fun stuff, right?
It's seemingly easier to keep it buried anyway. That way we don't have to consciously acknowledge the things that are making us sad, scared, or infuriated - we can keep floating along the surface, quickly drowning any obstacles to (what looks like) happiness that are in our path.We're a culture of "I'm fine". We're a culture that's looking for a quick fix. We're a culture that would rather shop, or eat, or get lost for hours in the Internet or TV shows than really get present and sit with what's bothering us. It's not our fault per se, we've been conditioned that way over time.
The thing is, continually storing these emotions away will eventually manifest in our body in a toxic way. Also, in the grand scheme of things, feelings are impermanent - and by storing them away we're making these negative experiences last much longer than they need to.
We end up keeping ourselves prisoner instead of giving ourselves the opportunity to be free.
It's like having a smelly container of old food in your fridge, and instead of dumping it out and washing the container, you keep pushing it to the back and stacking things in front of it. No matter how many fresh, exciting new foods you hide it with, they won't make it disappear, and at some point you're going to have to dig it out from the back and deal with it. Except the longer you wait, the smellier the food's going to be and the harder the container's going to be to clean out.
Each "negative" feeling, each feeling that triggers us somehow is there to show us where the cracks are. The places we need to give ourselves the most love and be the most patient. Just like a crack in the roof of your house, those cracks in us are where the light can seep in.Instead of thinking of them like pests (or Debbie Downer, womp womp), think of them like teachers - they've got wisdom to share, and secrets to reveal.
They're there so we can see the places we need to do some inner work, show ourselves some extra TLC, and ultimately they're there to be released (like stanky old food).How do you release these icky feelings you ask? Give yourself some space.
Stop trying to fill every moment with a distraction and take the time to get quiet and listen to what comes up. Regular meditation practice works wonders for this.
It's all about holding space for yourself (and holding space for others when they need it). When you've got the space to breathe and just be with your feelings, you're able to get really curious, dig deeper, and see life through a non-judgmental lens.
The next time you get the impulse to bury a not-so-fun feeling, take a few minutes to do this meditation:
Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and center yourself by taking 3 deep breaths (count 5 seconds on the inhale, 5 seconds on the exhale).
Allow your body to return to normal breathing and bring your awareness to the sensation of your breath in your body - just make sure that you don't try to control your breathing. It's all about observing. Count to 10 full breaths.
Now make space to connect with the situation that triggered the negative emotion you've been experiencing. Play it out in detail in your mind, like you're watching a movie of your life - make sure not to make judgements or place blame, just watch the events unfold. Once you've finished playing the situation through, connect with the emotion you've been experiencing and name it (i.e. fear, anger, irritation, sadness, loneliness, etc.). Once you name what you're feeling it's so much easier to realize that you are not it (you're not anger, rather anger is currently present). Accept that the feeling is there, treat it with kindness, and explore what caused you to feel this way (assumptions, mindset, beliefs, expectations, etc.), keep peeling back layers until you feel you've reached the root of it. Determine where you physically feel this in your body. How is it manifesting itself (tightness in the throat, pressure in the chest, knots in the belly, etc.)? Does it feel heavy? Does it have a color? Get to know it, but realize that it's not permanent. This will help you quickly recognize and observe it if it appears again in the future. Now that you've got to the root of what triggered the negative emotion, and realized that it's impermanent and not attached to you, release it to the universe. Place your hand on the part of your body where the feeling is manifesting itself and take 5 deep breaths, with each inhale soften and send love into the place you're holding the feeling, and with each exhale imagine the negative feeling leaving your body and getting blown away like dust in the wind. Open your eyes and take a few minutes to journal about your observations to solidify the meditation exercise. If you're dealing with something particularly heavy or traumatic, it will be helpful to repeat this exercise as often as it feels right to you.