I Have Arrived, I Am Home

Last week I immersed myself in a meditation retreat from Sunday - Friday, and though the experience was pretty beyond words, I can say that it completely changed the way I think and relate to the world/people around me.  I purposely went into it with zero expectations, and it was easily one of the best experiences I've ever had.It was lead by Jack Kornfield (a leader in the vipassana meditation movement in America, a teacher of Buddhism, and an author of many incredible books like A Path With Heart, The Wise Heart, etc.), and his guidance totally rocked my world.  Not only has he packed more life-changing experiences into his time on earth than I realized was humanly possible, but he shares his wisdom and teachings with a contagious sense of light-heartedness and kindness.

As he told us many times, "don't make your meditation practice a grim duty" - I have so much appreciation for people who don't take life or themselves too seriously.  Life should be fun, ya know?!It became incredibly clear by the end of the week that our true purpose for being here is to continuously expand our capacity for compassion and love - and I think we can all agree - that's a pretty freakin' great life assignment.  I'm all in.

We practiced an array of meditation techniques - sitting, walking, guided, unguided, partner, solo - all with their roots in either the vipassana or metta traditions. A little background on both of these practices in case you're curious:In vipassana (or insight meditation) the aim is to become aware of (but not attached to) the constantly changing experiences in our body and mind. The key is not to cloud our experiences with judgement, attachment, or grasping, but rather just to observe in the present moment.  Practicing vipassana is all about eliminating suffering and revealing our true nature by detoxifying the mind from within.

Metta, on the other hand, is all about sending lovingkindness (kindness/love, protection/safety, well-being/health, and happiness/peace) to ourselves first, and then to specific people - starting with someone we love, then to a neutral person, then to someone who's difficult to deal with, and ultimately to all beings.  Metta is more of a practice of concentration than insight, and it's incredibly powerful in its own right.

We were encouraged to be silent (and stay off technology) as much as possible during the week, which was super grounding and powerful. It gave us so much space for practice, awareness and reflection - something most of us don't allow ourselves to experience in everyday life.

As the days went on I felt a heightened sense of clarity, openness, and peace, and on my last night there I woke up at 4am from a really vivid dream. I'm not someone who typically remembers my dreams unless they're crazy nightmares, and when I do, I don't normally start thinking about what their deeper meaning could be - but for some reason this time I shot up in bed, wide awake - and couldn't stop thinking about it.

It was like a lightning bolt of energy.

In the dream I was in my childhood home (where I lived up until I left for college), and all of this wild stuff was happening around me - like giant, alligator-sized possums creeping around out on the back deck, and general chaos ensuing inside.  In the midst of it all I was calm and unfazed.

I then realized that I had really vivid dreams the two nights before with very similar circumstances - both taking place in my childhood home, both containing a ton of stressful things happening at once, and me in the center of it all feeling super chill.

First I was thinking - well, maybe this is a symbol of what I've been experiencing in my meditations the past few days - and then I thought of the common thread between all of them - my childhood home.

I've lived a bunch of places since my parents sold that house while I was in college, but none of them have matched up to that original comforting, loving, safe, home-y vibe that place had.  Don't get me wrong, I love the house Kyle + I currently live in - but it's just not home in the way that childhood house was - in the way that it taught me what being home really feels like.

Then my mind immediately jumped to the vision board I made at the beginning of this year, and right smack-bang in the middle of it all was the above piece of calligraphy created by Zen master, and all-around incredibly inspiring human, Thich Nhat Hanh (I lovingly refer to him as my "spirit animal"), simply stating - I have arrived, I am home. I realized I've always been trying to replicate that feeling of being truly at home, and have been looking externally to fill that void ever since (even though looking externally for internal fulfillment hasn't served me well in the past).

The entire retreat experience reinforced for me more than anything before that home isn't a place, it's truly a state of mind.  It hit me in that moment that I now had the tools to be at home and at peace wherever I am.

Whoa. Probably one of the most simple, but life-changing things I've ever realized. It brought tears to my eyes.

I have arrived.

I am home. 

P.S. If you have the opportunity to take time for a solo trip to a meditation retreat, buy the ticket, book your travel, do whatever you've gotta do and don't think twice.  Just freakin' do it, man!  And call me after, of course.